The Doubts

The doubts will eventually set in.

You’ve made the big move, and you’ve settled in to your new surroundings.  You’ve gone through an entire year, enjoying the new events and gatherings and social engagements.  Awesome.  And it has been fun and exciting.  But as you start the second year, it may start as a gentle sort of feeling.  “Is this it” – Wash, rinse, repeat until you die.  And then eventually you will come to that moment when you start to wonder if you made the right decision.

I’m in that place now.

For many years I’ve said that you cannot live life in reverse – Looking backwards. Sure, you’ve had some great times in the past.  But there is absolutely no use in trying to go back to that because the times have changed; the situations have changed.  I knew this when I decided to move back to my hometown.  But my thought was that since all my family in my hometown had already passed, and I was now an older adult with my own life, that it would be different.  To an extent, that is true.  But there is the annoying aspect that people will remember the younger you, and will be resistant to accepting who you are now.

I’m feeling this right now with the simple aspect of how I like to be addressed.  I adopted a nickname when I went off to college.  I did that for many reasons, the primary being taking ownership of my life.  There were many details about my conservative Christian upbringing that I wanted to leave behind.  A symbolic gesture, therefore, was to adopt a nickname.  But the friend group with which I’ve reconnected, they are not getting with the program.

So how does this play into the larger topic of having doubts?

Once all the excitement of moving to a new town, adjusting to a new house, and falling into a new routine has died down then you start to notice things that were previously blocked by the stars in your eyes.  This really is a small town.  And unless I figure out a way to break out of this mold then this really is all there is to offer.  The name thing is just a tip of the iceberg.  It’s something small that opens my eyes to the bigger picture.  And as I look at that bigger picture, I wonder if this was the right decision.

But let’s build on that.  One of the main reasons I left Atlanta was because it can be difficult to meet new people when you are older, don’t have kids, and don’t go to bars.  So it was great moving to a town in which I already had a friend group.  I still greatly appreciate and value that – These are great people.  But it feels like I have fallen into a trap, a comfortable niche.  I will need to explore beyond this group, a little at least, to find people interested in the adventurous activities I want.  I will need to break out of this group to find any sort of romantic opportunities.  Or carnal opportunities, for that matter.  And to complicate all that, I am almost certainly an introvert.

So, in that sense, I am right back in the same place I was in Atlanta.  Right?

There are differences.  My monthly expenses are much lower.  I have a house, rather than a small condo.  Yadda yadda.  The similarity, however, is that I still need to break out more and do more, and …  I don’t know how I was going to end that sentence.

There is not a doubt in me that moving out of Atlanta was the right decision.  But I don’t have the answer right now if I made the right decision to move to my hometown. 

Meh.  That’s my life du jour.  Thanks for letting me share.

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